That Voice

Everyone thinks they are bad at having an eading disorder. Because if you are not perfect at eating nothing, then you are not. good. enough. Right? And the thing with an eating disorder.. is that you will NEVER be good enough. The only way you will be good enough for your eating disorder is when you're 6ft under. It just, ultimately, wants to kill you. and you have to wonder... what is this voice? Where did it come from? Cuz we certainly weren't born with it. We may have been born with a genetic predisposition to develop an eating disorder, but where did the voice come from? Seriously.

And it's funny that any other voices people hear are tagged as delusions and non-realities... but this ED voice everyone (with an ED) hears. What's up with that? So... what is this voice?

Is it a person?
Is it us?
Is it an intruder?
Is it the devil?
Is it a spirit?
WTF is it?
And how does it become us? become a part of us?

Ya know what it is. It is just bad.. evil.. whatever you want to call it. It charms us into thinking it's right for us and hitting us at our weak point: perfection. Perfection... what is our fascination with perfection?

Well... you guys... it's time to push the old man back into his rocker so he cannot suck the life out of us anymore. Push him down. Break the chain. OU'RE HOLDING THE KEY, and you don't even know it!!! He's (as in your eating disorder)is just trying to manipulate ou, guilt you, abuse you into not even realizing the key is imprinted on your heart... because every time you agree with him or believe his lies, he covers up the key hole with his thick, black, tar...

For some, they think they deserve the tar. They have been abused too much by this old man, by their own mind, and by people in their life. They are convinced they deserve the punishment of a spirit coated in tar. Let me tell yo... you don't.


Let me tell you.. you have tar remover in your hand too. It comes in the form of your pure words and your pure thoughts. Take hte few pure thoughts that you have left and start using them. Don't be afraid... Actually, GET SCARED because when you're scared of the old man's reactions and you do/say it anywy and you see how he gets further away from you... your fear will turn into true empowerment. And empowerment will slowly remove the tar that has built up over your heart.

Some of it you MAY never be able to remove, but it's okay. It's okay. Cuz everybody has that bit of tar that they can't remove. It makes us stronger, though, in the end. If we decide to accept the challenge not to ignore the tar.. but to keep it in check, instead... then we will be empowered.

Are you ready?
Are you willing?
It's time to start walking down this road.
It's time.

Love,
Kim

Poem: "Crossings"

This is where I am
Yet again
Crossing another bridge
Yet again

High up
Can almost touch the clouds
Loook down
Can't even see the bottom
Look ahead
Can't see the land

Side to side
No one around but me
On my own
Why must I do this alone?

Even when the fog sets in
Even when my foot slips
Despite the fear I may feel inside
Despite the fact that I can't even hide...

I'm crossing my bridge
Mine and mine only
No one can cross it for me
Only I can cross back
If I choose

Let's hope I don't
Let's hope I get through this

The clouds are right above me.
My dreams are right ahead of me.
I have a feeling, though,
There's a thick forest up ahead

But I hope to hope
And dream to dream
That I will still see the light
Wherever I am.

I know that even at night
I will be close to the moon :)


(this is just another poem about dreams... thanks for reading)

Poem: "Baby, Let's Go Sailing."

Baby, let's go sailing...
Feel the wind in our hair
Again.
Feel the splash of the sea
Once more.

Baby, let's go sailing...

Say goodbye to the door
We thought held the answer.
Lock up the box
We wanted to inspire our dreams.

What we thought we wanted
We never got..
What we thought were our dreams
We never quite caught.
So, baby, let's go sailing..

Lock up the cage
Out "not"-sanctuary.
Say goodbye to the place
That made us sink too weary.

Baby, just let's go sailing
To the edge of the earth,
Where the sun hits the water.
Where, once again, laughter can be heard
Where singing is our written word
Where dreams will not go unheard
And were loving, not hating, will be preferred.

Baby. Let's go sailing.



This poem is just about leaving behind a mediocre life. A life that didn't work out.. a life that more like sucked the life out of you rather than gave you life. It is also about two people staying together through that time.. finding it within each other to dream again.. of a life that gives back. It sort of rhymes and has a strange beat to it; but, that is the the way life goes, I guess, sometimes it has a strange beat to it.
Hope you like it. The tone is sort of dreary.. because these two have the life sucked out of them. But they have one dream left: to go sailing. And that's all they can hold on to at this point.
So, with whoever you're with.. stick together through the thick and thin, kay? Because you never know when you can lock up the box of your old life (or in this poem, the box means their house) and just go sailing. Where will you sail to? ;)
Love,
Kimberly Brown :)